Chapter 12

The rain lasted for a long time, only pausing briefly when the sky had grown dark.

Zhier had already tidied up the room, planning to rest here for the night.

But I refused outright.

Pei Huai and Yaoyao had tangled here who knows how many times; just thinking about it made me so nauseous I retched.

“This place is too filthy.”

Zhier understood, holding my icy hand with heartache.

Zhier had someone prepare the carriage and light the stove, afraid I might catch cold.

I leaned against the fox fur cloak, staring blankly at the Book of Songs in my hand-

“A man’s infatuation can be spoken of, but a woman’s infatuation cannot be spoken of.”

“To grow old together with you, yet age brings me only resentment. The Qi River has its banks, the marshes have their edges.”

“At the feast of childhood, laughter and joy abounded. Oaths were sworn with sincerity, never thinking they would be broken. But not thinking of it is already so!”

I softly recited, reading it over and over.

Until my face was covered in tears and I could no longer speak.

I truly, truly once believed I would never become the tragic woman in the Book of Songs.

But in the end, I could not escape this fate.

I covered my face and wept bitterly, muffling my sobs beneath the sound of rain.

But I was not grieving for Pei Huai.

I was grieving for myself.

Unable to walk together, unable to let go, I cried for my dilemma, cried for my cowardice, cried for how the love I received vanished in an instant.

At that moment, the horse suddenly neighed in fright, and an arrow, carried by the wind, pierced through the carriage window.

It was only inches from me.

Zhier’s face turned pale as she hurriedly helped me out of the carriage.

The guards were each taken down by the suddenly appearing men in black.

The scent of blood mixed with the smell of rain.

I retched instinctively.

My steps slowed, and an arrow shot straight toward me.

My legs gave out, and I instinctively closed my eyes.

Thwack!

The arrow pierced flesh.

Blood splattered onto my face.

I opened my eyes, my gaze trembling violently.

“Pei Huai…”

He tried to force a reassuring smile, but the next second he collapsed stiffly into my arms, blood gushing from his wound in a rush.

Even as he lost consciousness, he whispered in my ear:

“Don’t be afraid, Niaoniao…”

He told me not to be afraid, but I was terrified.

I was afraid that if he lived, he would keep hurting me.

But I was even more afraid that if he died, I would owe him forever.

I hate him.

I hate that he clearly doesn’t love me anymore, yet still puts on this act of deep affection, leaving me to struggle alone in pain, doubting myself over and over.

Pei Huai.

Why did you risk your life to save me?

If I died, you and her, you and your child could be together forever, wouldn’t that be good?

Isn’t that what you wanted?

Tears slid down, falling one by one onto his shoulder.

“Pei Huai, I hate you to death.”

Truly.

I hate you.