Waterbound Love - Chapter 35

As soon as she entered, the room was enveloped in gloom. Du Bai gave a faint smile; she still wasn’t used to this. Tugging at her collar, she threw herself onto the sofa. Exhaustion was beyond words. Fortunately, she had fought for five years of freedom; otherwise, who knows what she would have become by now.

Thus, she drifted into a blurry sleep, half-dreaming, half-awake until it was deep into the night. Du Bai rubbed her sore neck and sat up. She poured herself a glass of water and sipped it slowly. At last, the room was filled with silence, leaving only her own breath. She had forgotten how many days it had been since she last came home. Returning no longer brought back the warm, soft, fragrant memories she expected; it was as cold as she had imagined.

Looking up, she noticed a wish bottle on the stereo, the transparent glass under the light casting a gentle halo as if coated with sanctity.

Involuntarily, Du Bai walked over and picked it up. She knew she shouldn’t look, but the image of that pure, joyful smile flashed before her eyes. “Let it go,” Du Bai told herself. “Tonight, give yourself something to hold onto, though it tires you, it will also warm you, won’t it?” No one was around at night; she would let herself sink one last time.

She picked up the note with the date marked on it and slowly unfolded it, as if holding a delicate, fragile crystal.

March 14th.

Today seems to be the happiest day of my life. I’m finally with you, no longer just watching you from afar. Even knowing your agreement might be related to that girl in the hospital, I can’t help but feel joyous. My heart, perhaps, has already been lost; the depth of which is unimaginable.

March 15th.

Last night, I spent a wonderful evening with you. I think I won’t regret it, the rest of my life will be devoted to loving you wholeheartedly. Today, I cooked for the first time. Seeing your indifferent expression, I knew it had something to do with that girl in your wallet. I didn’t insist, I changed my clothes; I don’t want to be tainted and become just another shadow in your heart. Knowing you were leaving filled me with dread, afraid you wouldn’t return. All I could do was wait, and in this waiting, I never once thought of leaving. I feel like a naive flower, unaware whether my destiny is to bloom or wither.

March 16th.

Early this morning, I finally waited for you. You don’t know how thrilled I was the moment you appeared, like the arrival of Noah’s Ark. Those harmonious scenes were so beautiful, like a million dreams, making me feel an inescapable affection trapped within them. Du Bai, I will love you with all my strength, even though I know you do not love me yet.

April 3rd.

Yesterday I upset you, and you began to give me the cold shoulder. Why are you still so childishly sensitive? I’ve never told you, but every time you ignore me, I get incredibly scared. I fear that you might leave me, or return to that girl’s side. Yes, how do I even explain this to you? You probably don’t know that I’ve always been aware of her existence. I made up an excuse, asking you to help me with my homework. I know that besides painting, you are also passionate about writing. Maybe this is the only way to make you happy again, to see you smile with me.

April 5th.

The homework from yesterday was flagged by the teacher. No matter how much I defended it, I couldn’t stop the flood of ridicule. Du Bai, more than the mockery and the grades, I care about your sadness. I’m so sorry; I truly didn’t anticipate this outcome. Although you embraced me with pity, I could still sense your helplessness. At that moment, I wished I could just end myself, as I can’t forgive myself.

June 8th.

Today, when you came back, I knew you were in a bad mood. It’s strange how sensitive I can be; I don’t even understand why, but I just know. Your smile was forced, as if you were struggling to keep it on your face. I wonder when you will truly face me without any pretense, allowing me to share in everything with you, no matter how cruel or difficult it may be.

June 9th.

Actually, the moment you lowered your head today, I saw the tears in the corner of your eyes. I don’t know why you are sad or what you are repenting for. Since you don’t want me to know, I won’t ask. I just held your hand tightly, wanting to give you warmth, to tell you that I will always be by your side. But the moment you pulled your hand away, I realized that all my efforts were perhaps unrequited. Maybe I’ve always known, but just didn’t want to admit it.

June 10th.

I think I somewhat understand your recent sadness, knowing you are inherently kind. You feel sorrow and pain, but in your view, there are things that must be done. Their happiness matters more than your own peace of mind.

I will repent for you because I know that if there’s one thing you can’t do, it’s repent.

July 7th.

Today seems like an ironic day, doesn’t it? There’s a song lyric that goes, “On July 7th, the weather was clear, then suddenly it started pouring.” Just like my situation today.

I haven’t told you that today, the girl in the photo came to life. She sought me out and shared everything about your past together. When she spoke of you, her eyes showed a predatory gleam. I’m very afraid, as I’ve always known where your heart lies. What scares me is how you might react to her unabashed pursuit. If you choose her, what will become of me? I truly can’t bear to lose you. I’ve never even considered losing you, laughable as it may seem, considering I’ve never really had you. When I walked out, the song “Glass Cup” was playing in a shop by the street; she said it was your song together. Am I just a reflection in this scenario? I’m really scared, and I couldn’t help but cry.

August 1st.

Recently, you’ve become a stranger to me, your eyes completely masking your emotions, casting shadows that increasingly unsettle me. I fear that in the blink of an eye, I might lose you. You may not realize it, but I have exhausted all my strength pleading for you to write me a song. It doesn’t have to be elaborate-simple and plain, just like us. That song would hold all my hopes; as long as you write it, no matter the outcome, I would contentedly accept it.

Yet, you pushed me away. Perhaps I really am superfluous in your world.

Please don’t give up on me. If you are unwilling, could you at least not let me give up?

August 7th.

Today, seeing you so fragile on the hospital bed, so distant-it was a poignant moment. You and Qingqian were joking around; I wished time could forever freeze at this moment, even though others were present, at least you were happy. You know, we have never been like this when it’s just the two of us.

The moment you sent Qingqian away, I started to feel scared. I thought that leaving would be better, that if I left, nothing would happen. Being by your side would have been enough. But in the end, you still spoke your mind.

I could be indifferent, continue to stay by your side. But as I was leaving, I saw her. Are you truly this cruel to me? Thinking of that song, “Glass Cup,” really leaves an indescribable ache in my heart.

Running away, I finally heard someone catching up to me; I was ecstatic, turning around only to realize what real hell is. An endless hell.

I crouched down and cried loudly, as if weeping away all my splendor.

But what can be done? After the splendor fades, a chaotic end follows.

August 8th.

Du Bai, you know, I spent the entire day glued to my phone, not missing a second, but just as I expected, you didn’t show up. My heart feels cold. I think it’s time for me to step out of this cage filled with our memories. I don’t know if I can ever forget.

I should have known from the start, Du Bai, yet I still got caught up in the act. Tears, it seems, can no longer fall.

Du Bai threw the bottle away, rummaging through drawers and cabinets from dawn, tossing everything out, turning the room into a complete mess. But when she looked up, she realized that the chaos in the room couldn’t compare to the turmoil within her heart. She picked up a cigarette she found and lit it.

It had been a long time since she last smoked, but lighting it up felt all too familiar, much like her sorrow.

Du Bai smiled, a smile that seemed to inject poison into her veins, glowing with a mournful blue light.

It turns out, the sorrow brought by forgetting someone is replaced by the sorrow brought by another.

So be it, we must bear these burdens.

This is cultivation.

We are all ascetics.

The sunlight streamed through the window onto Du Bai’s face, such is life: no matter how much sorrow you blend into the darkness of the previous moment, the next moment’s light will not wait, exposing your grief.

To live is to continue.

“If in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.” – Kahlil Gibran

Suddenly, she hummed a tune, the lyrics in her mind, the song I gave to you.

The simplest melody, just like our life together.

Du Bai opened her bleary eyes, unable to recall how many days had passed like this. She answered the persistent doorbell, walking into a smiling face. Du Bai was momentarily stunned, a flash of familiarity and warmth. Just that, nothing more.

“Can we talk?” Lian Yinyun asked, tugging at the hem of her shirt, a gesture so familiar to Du Bai. “Let’s go outside. Wait for me to change.”

“Can’t we talk here?”

Du Bai stiffened, replying, “Let’s go out, my place is a mess, it’s not convenient.” She walked elegantly into her bedroom. Du Bai knew, even if her home wasn’t messy, she wouldn’t want him to stay. The room was filled with her familiar scent, and she didn’t want other scents to mix in, even those she once wanted to keep.

Du Bai took something from the nightstand and put it in her pocket, noticing Lian Yinyun’s frown as she tidied up the living room.

As she stepped outside, the sun dazzled her eyes. Some things must continue, just like some must be let go.

“Hello, is this the maid service? Please send Auntie Zhang to clean up, this is Du Bai, you have my record.” After hanging up, Du Bai strode out.

This moment, let her sever all ties.