Chapter 8

The moment he blurted out “number one fan,” all my memories came roaring back, sweeping me away.

I pretended to stay calm as I changed into my pajamas.

Xu Qing watched the drastic change in my expression, his fingers tightening slightly. “Mu Nanxing, why do you still keep these?”

Why?

Yes, why, after he said those things to me, did I still pathetically fail to destroy these things that represented my foolish infatuation? Why did I even carefully store them away in this room?

My body trembled slightly, a reckless urge rising within me.

I looked at him, meeting those deep eyes of his, now filled with a complex, probing look.

My heart pounded wildly in my chest, as if it might burst out at any moment.

I forced myself to steady my voice, and word by word, I hurled it at him, clear as day: “Because I like you, Xu Qing.”

“You’re not a stand-in.”

“I don’t have some first love.”

“Back then, I just wanted to bully you a little.”

The air froze instantly.

Xu Qing’s pupils contracted sharply, a flash of astonishment and disbelief crossing his face.

Ignoring his reaction, I pressed on.

“It’s not the kind of liking a fan has for an idol.”

“It’s real, with desire, the kind that wants to be with you.”

“It started a long time ago.”

When I finished, the room fell into a deathly silence.

Xu Qing just looked at me, as if truly seeing me for the first time.

His Adam’s apple bobbed.

After a long while, he finally spoke, his voice slow and cautious, as if afraid to shatter something fragile.

“You always… catch me off guard.”

He took a deep breath. “Why would you like me?”

Why?

That question was like a key, instantly unlocking the floodgates of memory.

There are a thousand reasons to like someone, and yet, perhaps none at all.

How could I possibly explain, in an instant, all the complicated, drawn-out, humble years of secret longing?

In a flash.

I looked at him, my gaze drifting, as if lost in some distant memory.

My voice was soft, yet carried a strange certainty: “That coin.”

Xu Qing’s brows furrowed almost imperceptibly, clear confusion in his eyes. “Coin?”

“Mm.”

I nodded, my gaze refocusing on his face, with an almost obsessive seriousness.

“A long time ago, on a rainy day, the one you tossed to me.”

“I caught it.”

“So, it’s mine.”

My tone was flat.

As if, just because I caught that coin, the person who tossed it was, inexplicably and stubbornly, claimed by me as well.

Xu Qing was completely stunned.

Yet in those always-quiet eyes, it was as if ice and snow were slowly melting, revealing the surging undercurrents beneath that I could not decipher.

He looked at me, silent for a long time.

Then.

The complex emotions on his face shifted several times, finally settling into a bitterness that bordered on self-mockery.

His voice was hoarse, carrying a rare, self-revealing sense of helplessness.

“I… I’m not nearly as good as you think.”

He paused.

“The person you like might just be the Xu Qing you imagine… shining on the field, invincible.”

“That’s not the real me.”

But I shook my head, refuting him with unusual firmness.

“No,” I said. “I’ve seen you in so many ways.”

“I like all of it-the good, the bad, the polished, the messy. As long as it’s you, that’s enough.”

My bluntness seemed to leave him at a loss, even a little flustered.

He suddenly curled his lips into a smile, thick with self-mockery.

“You know, that day you followed me around like a stray dog, no matter how I tried to shake you off… I was in a terrible mood, just annoyed, really annoyed.”

“I had nothing on me, just that coin in my pocket.”

He looked at me, his eyes holding a reckless honesty, even deliberately tinged with malice.

“I just wanted to throw that coin at you, to hurt you, so you’d go away.”

I stared at him, eyes wide in shock.

Not because he said he wanted to hit me with the coin.

What shocked me was…

“You… you actually remember…”

Xu Qing seemed momentarily thrown by my focus, his expression turning a bit awkward.

“What else?”

But in my heart, an odd, ill-timed thought surfaced.

He could have just beaten me up, or yelled at me, cursed me, chased me away.

This realization made my heart flutter, as if tickled by a feather, a strange feeling rising within me.

He seemed… a little cute.

Yet.

Xu Qing seemed determined to destroy his own image, to tear open all his ugliness and darkness for me to see, trying to scare me away.

He stepped closer, his gaze locking onto me, his voice dropping lower.

“Do you know?”

“Watching my sister suffer in that hospital bed, sometimes… I even had terrifying thoughts.”

He stared at me, searching my face for any trace of fear or disgust.

“I even thought, if she died, it would be a relief for everyone. Or, even worse, I thought about strangling her myself…”

He finished, lips pressed tightly together.

As if waiting for my judgment, waiting for me to recoil in horror, curse him a monster, and run away.

I did widen my eyes in surprise.

My heart skipped a beat.

But not out of fear.

It was a kind of indescribable, twisted excitement and… secret delight?

He wasn’t maintaining that false, bright, perfect image in front of me.

He was even tearing open his bloody wounds, exposing the ugliest, most shameful parts inside.

Instead of scaring me off, it drew me in with a strange attraction.

It was a sick, dangerous sense of intimacy.

A shiver of joy rose in me for no reason.

He was handing me this darkness, showing it to me with his own hands.

It felt like sharing a deadly secret, so thrilling my fingertips tingled.