Chapter 5

My younger sister, innocent and naïve, said, “If you want to go to high school, just go. It’s the same for me to attend junior high in the countryside.”

Dad scolded her, “What do you know? How can the countryside be the same as the city?”

After a long silence, I clenched my fists and spoke, “Then I won’t go to high school.”

“The homeroom teacher said that with my grades, if I go to Secondary Vocational School, I can get a tuition waiver.” I was almost pleading. “Dad, Mom, after I graduate from Secondary Vocational School, I promise I’ll earn back every penny you spent on me in these three years.”

Looking back on this now, I can understand my parents’ decision.

There were only so many resources in the family, and they had to be given to the one with the best chance of success.

A girl as ordinary as me was destined to be given up on.

But if I ever had the chance to go back, I would definitely throw a tantrum, roll on the ground, kneel and beg, do everything I could just to go to high school.

Grandma and my aunt both scolded me:

“Why can’t you be more considerate of your parents? All the other girls in the village have gone out to work. Your grades aren’t good, yet you still want to keep studying-what’s the point?”

The village women also tried to persuade my parents:

“Secondary Vocational School doesn’t guarantee job placement anymore. It’s not much use even if she finishes. If it were a son, fine, but for a daughter, why spend so much money?”

“Let her go out to work early and build you a house. Who knows when this mud-brick house of yours will collapse.”

Before the semester started, when Mom gave me my living expenses, she repeatedly reminded me, “It’s not easy for us to support you. You have to be frugal.”

The Secondary Vocational School was in the city, and the cost of living was completely different from the countryside.

Two hundred yuan a month was barely enough for food.

The internet was already becoming popular then, and I signed up for QQ.

Chatting with Xiangxiang on QQ, she said, “Assembly line work isn’t for people. Twelve hours a day, only four days off a month. If you don’t finish your tasks, they deduct your pay.”

“Staring at those parts every day is driving me crazy.”

“Xiaxia, studying is still better. There’s a Foreign Enterprise across from us. The white-collar workers wear high heels and lipstick, sitting in their offices-it looks so easy.”

Korean dramas were all the rage at the time, and I chose Business Korean as my major.

I set a goal for myself: I had to get into a Foreign Enterprise, to work in a cubicle.

Although I didn’t push myself as hard as I did in junior high, I never slacked off and worked diligently.

When my roommates went to internet cafés, it was always to play games or binge-watch dramas. I usually went to look up information or practiced speaking Korean along with the dramas.

Every day, I got up at six on the dot, went for a run, had breakfast, did self-study, and then went to class.

When I didn’t have class, apart from doing part-time jobs, I spent almost all my time in the library.

I read a lot of books.

I was young then and couldn’t really tell good from bad or make careful choices.

So I just devoured everything, stuffing it all into my head.

The atmosphere at our school wasn’t good; hardly anyone studied.

Boys and girls alike sported the trendy Shamate hairstyles-a youth subculture.

The girls wore heavy smoky eye makeup that hid their pupils, the boys wore earrings and smoked.

Some bold couples would kiss, nibble, and grope each other in the cafeteria.

As long as no one died, the teachers didn’t care at all.

To save on travel expenses, I usually didn’t go home.

Every time I called my mom, she would always remind me again and again, “Don’t get into trouble at school, be frugal with your money. It’s not easy for your dad and me to earn it.”

I rarely bought new clothes, always rotating between only two sets of underwear, and never touched makeup.

When I went out with my roommates, even spending two yuan on the cheapest lemonade made me feel guilty.

Yes.

My mother’s reminders made me feel guilty for every penny I spent.

Many years later, when I could earn my own money, the first thing I did when shopping was still to check the price tag.

Even if I could easily afford the clothes, I still lacked confidence.

Poverty was etched deep into my bones.

It took me a very long time to gradually erode that imprint.

But perhaps I will be affected by it for the rest of my life.

There was a very handsome upperclassman named Zhao Liang who liked me.

He pursued me for more than two months, buying me food and waiting for me downstairs every day.