I Handled the Divorce for the Gods at the Civil Affairs Bureau - Chapter 8
Chapter 8
After the Abnormal Report was submitted, the real trouble began.
A crack of golden light split the ceiling.
A massive seal slowly descended from the light, the four characters carved upon its face reading: Heavenly Regulations Filing.
Standing beneath the seal was a man in a suit, his hair combed without a single strand out of place, holding a tablet in his hand.
He introduced himself, “Bai Heng, Heavenly Regulations Legal Department.”
I thought to myself: *It’s over.*
Deities having a legal department is more terrifying than deities getting a divorce.
Bai Heng scanned the hall, his smile as standard as a training manual’s illustration.
“Hard work, everyone. However, the Public Spouse System is a vital component of the stability mechanism for the relations of the Three Realms. It has been on file for three thousand seven hundred years; we do not recommend its arbitrary abolition.”
I asked, “Who filed it?”
“Historical reasons.”
“Who are ‘Historical Reasons’?”
“That is not convenient to disclose.”
“So that means no one is taking responsibility.”
Bai Heng’s smile didn’t waver. “Ms. Jiang, please mind your phrasing. Without a Public Spouse, many relationships would collapse because there is no one to carry the burden. Sacrificing the few to stabilize the many is the mark of a mature system.”
Shen Tinglan said coldly, “It is the mark of a lazy system.”
Bai Heng looked at him. “Auditor Shen, you have no right to critique the Heavenly Regulations.”
Shen Tinglan held up a sticky note. “I am currently a Temporary Copy Clerk.”
Bai Heng’s smile finally cracked by a millimeter.
I took the opportunity to ask, “Who was the very first Public Spouse?”
Bai Heng scrolled through his tablet. “Data for the first term is missing.”
“The second?”
“Data missing.”
“The third?”
“Due to long-term exposure to relationship echoes, their mind shattered. They were transferred to become a Ferryman of the River of Forgetfulness.”
The hall fell silent.
I said, “In other words, this system has been devouring people all along.”
Bai Heng corrected me, “Not just humans, but also demons, gods, and conceptual entities. We emphasize equality.”
I almost laughed out of pure anger.
What kind of ‘fairness’ is this, where the Three Realms are all equally on the menu?
The Kitchen God suddenly stood up.
“I object.”
Bai Heng frowned. “Kitchen God, this matter has nothing to do with your divorce application.”
“It has everything to do with it.” The Kitchen God held up a piece of scorched rice. “The very first Public Spouse back then was a young girl from my kitchen. She remembered the people who died in the flood for an entire village. Later, no one remembered her name; they only left a bowl of rice by the stove.”
Yue Lao stood up as well.
“I know the second one. He tied every broken red string onto himself. In the end, wherever he went, he was dragged down by the longings of others. He begged me to cut him free, but I didn’t dare.”
The Dragon King said in a low voice, “There was one in the East Sea, too. She remembered the way home for the fishermen on both shores. Later, she could never find the shore herself.”
Voice after voice rang out.
The Earth God, the City God, the Old Umbrella, the subway, Monday, even that Vending Machine.
They all remembered some person or thing swallowed by the system.
Not because of the Heavenly Regulations’ records.
But because relationships never truly disappear; they only find a different way to hide.
Bai Heng’s expression grew increasingly grim.
He raised his hand, and the Heavenly Regulations seal began to glow.
“Collective testimony that has not been filed is invalid.”
The Human World inside my head suddenly let out a soft laugh.
The laughter was faint, yet it made the entire building tremble.
She said, “Then I shall file it.”
Countless tiny specks of light surfaced from the floor of the hall.
Within every speck of light was a relationship.
Someone holding an umbrella for a stranger on a rainy night; a cat waiting every day for its owner to get off work; a bus route that remembered every regular on the last shift; a bridge that remembered who cried first when a couple broke up; a pot that remembered the aroma of meals across three generations.
They poured out from the floor tiles, the cracks in the walls, the windows, the filing cabinets, and the waiting chairs, like a galaxy flowing in reverse.
Bai Heng took a step back.
“Human World, you have no right to interfere with the Heavenly Regulations.”
For the first time, the Human World’s voice was no longer weak.
“The Heavenly Regulations govern the heavens. Keep your hands out of my mortal hearths.”
The Kitchen God was so excited his apron caught fire.
Standing in the center of that galaxy, I suddenly understood why the Human World had chosen me.
It wasn’t because I was particularly great.
It was because I had sat at that window long enough to see too many ordinary people hand their most ridiculous, most pathetic, and most cherished moments through that small glass pane.
I knew that relationships were never celestial regulations.
They were the beautiful, chaotic messes that people lived out for themselves.
Bai Heng’s face went cold.
“If you refuse to file, the Heavenly Regulations will deem this city’s Relationship System illegal and immediately sever all superior support.”
Xiao Yin shrieked, “If you cut it off, I’ll crash!”
Director Luo immediately asked, “For how long?”
Xiao Yin: “Permanently!”
Director Luo said solemnly, “That won’t do. We have thirty-six appointments scheduled for tomorrow.”
I looked at Shen Tinglan.
He looked back at me. There was no urging in his eyes, nor was he trying to decide for me.
There was only a silent: *You choose.*
I picked up the microphone and said to Bai Heng, “Cut it.”
The room erupted in an uproar.
Bai Heng narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I said. “If the condition for superior support is that someone must be devoured, then we don’t want it.”
Xiao Yin was practically sobbing. “Jiang Mian, I’ll become an offline system.”
I patted the computer tower. “We can work offline, too. We have paper.”
The entire hall gasped again.
I added, “Temporary paper.”
Bai Heng raised the seal.
The moment the golden light fell, Shen Tinglan suddenly took my hand.
This time, he didn’t stop in mid-air.
His hand was very cold, but his grip was steady.
He said, “Together.”
I didn’t remember him.
But I suddenly felt that this word reached me even earlier than memory.
Together.
