Before Dawn, I Loved You - Chapter 12 Extra
March 31
The day before my birthday, Jiang Yao came to the company to see me.
This biological father of mine, outwardly gentle and amiable, is actually selfish and indifferent.
When my mom was still alive, he brought his mistress into our home, completely disregarding the bond between husband and wife.
Later, when my mom got cancer, he finally cut ties with those women outside.
But by then, my mom had already gone abroad, and he didn’t even see her one last time.
–These aren’t hearsay; on the day he acknowledged me, he got drunk and cried, telling me himself.
So I really don’t like him.
Besides this reason, the most important thing is, he looks down on Su Nan.
That day, he threw Su Nan’s medical report onto my desk, “A hen that can’t lay eggs, she’s not worthy of you.”
I laughed in anger and had him thrown out.
The Jiang Family isn’t some royal lineage to be inherited, it’s just a listed company. Give me a few more years, and Su Nan and I might have a company that rivals the Jiang Group.
My Su Nan is such a good person, how dare he say that about her.
This time, intending to have the secretary send him away as usual, Jiang Yao suddenly spoke, “Yang Zi is pregnant, it’s a boy.”
I was stunned for a moment.
Yang Zi is his newly kept mistress, three years younger than me.
I raised my head to meet his gaze, suddenly understanding why he came today.
He calmly placed his hand on the armrest of the chair, looking as if he had everything under control,
“Jiang Du, you must understand, if I want, the Jiang Group doesn’t have to have only you as the heir.”
“Yes, I understand, you’re just a fool.”
Jiang Yao was completely enraged,
“I’ll ask you one last time, are you really unwilling to divorce her?”
I smiled, enunciating clearly, “If you want me to divorce, it’ll be over my dead body.”
Jiang Yao left in anger, halfway through he seemed to remember something, stopped, turned around, and said hesitantly,
“Your mom had liver cancer, and because the hereditary probability is quite high, after she passed, I had Jiang Lei tested, only to find out he’s not our biological son.”
“If you have time, go to the hospital for a check-up.”
April 1
My birthday is April Fool’s Day.
29 years ago today, I was the subject of a cosmic joke; my adoptive mother secretly swapped my identity with her son’s so he could have a better life.
These 29 years have been truly tough, but thankfully, I’ve had Su Nan by my side.
Originally, I was accompanying Su Nan for her hospital check-up, but Jiang Yao’s words from yesterday flashed through my mind, so I decided to have one too.
Looking at the diagnosis on the report, I genuinely wished everything that happened today was just a prank.
Liver cancer, liver cancer…
I’ve never met my biological mother, yet I’ve inherited her liver cancer.
“Jiang Du?”
Su Nan’s voice sounded in my ear, she was picking out celery,
“I’ve learned several new dishes from a blogger recently, you’re in for a treat today.”
I looked at her side profile in the sunlight, my eyes stung from the glare, yet I couldn’t bear to look away.
Holding her from behind, he whispered, “I love whatever my wife cooks.”
Several curious and teasing glances were cast their way in the bustling market.
“Jiang Du!” she reminded him quietly, her ears turning red, “People are watching.”
“I don’t care.” I pressed my head against her shoulder, tears streaming down my closed eyes, “Let them watch.”
What should I do?
What should my Su Nan do?
April 15
It’s not that I haven’t thought about telling her.
Liver cancer, late stage, 6 to 12 months to live.
During this time, we could travel, attend concerts, do extreme sports, fulfill all her dreams together, couldn’t we?
I was mentally prepared to tell her, but just as I was about to speak, I heard her crying in the living room.
I was almost scared out of my wits, rushed over to find out she was watching a melodramatic romance film.
“It’s so tragic, the main characters were siblings, then the sister’s biological mother came into the picture, forcing them apart. After much turmoil, they finally got together, only for the sister to be diagnosed with cancer…”
Su Nan’s eyes were red, her sobbing truly pitiful, “I really can’t bear lovers being unable to be together.”
I tenderly wiped her tears with a tissue, casually asking, “If I had cancer, what would you do?”
“Then I’d die with you.”
She continued staring at the screen, her tone firm and resolute.
My heart skipped a beat, and I pulled her into my arms.
Her hands were as cold as jade, almost freezing my chest, “Why are your hands so cold?”
“I just had an ice cream.”
I was a bit upset, “Didn’t I tell you not to eat that? You’re on your period today, and your health isn’t great to begin with. If you faint like last time–”
“Oh, come on, you’re here with me.” She dismissed my concern, mischievously pressing her hand against me, “This way it’ll warm up quickly.”
After a long while, long enough for her to almost fall asleep in my arms, I gently stroked her hair, speaking softly,
“What if I’m not by your side in the future?”
“How could that be…”
May 2
Her resolute words, “Then I’d die with you,” occasionally flash through my mind.
I don’t dare to gamble.
Even if there’s only a one percent chance, I don’t dare to gamble.
I hope she can live healthily and happily.
To truly love life.
Even without me, it’s okay; even if she hates me, it’s okay.
Even if she forgets me in the future, it’s okay.
Chen Yao is my secretary, her mother needs money for medical treatment.
Besides her monthly salary, I promised to give her an extra two hundred thousand if she agreed to help me with this act.
“Have you thought about what if one day she finds out the truth, she’ll be even more hurt?”
I was silent for a moment, then smiled,
“By then she should have found someone really good, maybe she’ll be old by then, and even if she knows, she might not be very emotional, might even calmly say, ‘He was such a self-pitying fool.'”
October 20
Today, I divorced Su Nan.
Following my instructions, Chen Yao teamed up with Su Nan to leave me with nothing.
I bowed my head, slowly, stroke by stroke, writing my name, pressing hard enough to pierce the paper.
As I finished the last character, I heard Su Nan’s voice, “Jiang Du.”
The hand holding the pen trembled slightly, but I didn’t look up.
“When we registered our marriage, we were poor, didn’t have a wedding. I casually glanced at a wedding dress in a shop window, and your eyes turned red. You spent nearly a month’s salary to buy me the veil, promising to give me a grand wedding someday.”
“Later, life got better, and you fulfilled all your promises.”
“Then, you were recognized by the Jiang Family, and the gap between us widened. Many people said we weren’t a match, said I couldn’t keep up with you.”
“You told them you’d never leave me behind, that if I walked slowly, you’d carry me.”
Tears fell one by one, blurring my vision. I kept my head down, my palms already bruised from clenching.
“Jiang Du, you still broke your promise.”
November 2
Chen Yao gave me that WeChat account.
I can’t help but check her Moments.
She seems to be doing well, at least she’s posting more frequently than before.
I remember she used to find it troublesome, only posting during holidays or when dining out.
“I don’t know why, but I can’t sleep.”
I researched extensively online, filtered through various methods, and finally sent her a sleep-inducing song.
“Lost the bid, feeling emo.”
I awkwardly comforted her, sharing some funny pictures.
She didn’t reply.
“Why can’t my pet turtle open its eyes?”
That turtle is named Gaifan, it’s been with us for almost eight years, and I used to take care of it at home.
I immediately messaged her: It might have white-eye disease, you can feed it some chicken liver, remember to disinfect the tank, soak it in 10% salt water for 30 minutes.
She replied: “Have you raised turtles before?”
I didn’t expect her to reply, couldn’t help but cough a few times in excitement, then coughed harder until I coughed up blood. I wiped my mouth and typed: “Yes, for many years.”
She: “Does it have a name?”
I casually made one up: “Gaizhang.”
She didn’t reply again.
November 15
I’ve gone into shock several times.
Every night feels like a giant hand is gripping my throat, suffocating me.
The pain in my abdomen feels like a red-hot knife stabbing in, twisting my intestines violently.
My consciousness is hazy, as if I’ve returned to my childhood in the mud house, being beaten with a stick by my drunken foster mother. The more I cried out, the harder she hit.
At that time, Su Nan would always stand in front of me, so frail yet refusing to step aside.
I opened my eyes.
No Su Nan.
November 17
Pain…
November 20
Hospitalized.
November 30
Su Nan once followed an anime with a handsome demon monk, watching it obsessively.
I was a bit jealous, pinned her down on the sofa, knelt on one knee on the sofa, and kissed her.
She tilted her small face up, helplessly accepting my kiss, her small hands gently rubbing the back of my neck like a puppy, “You would definitely look better bald than him.”
Now I look at myself in the mirror.
–Myself, bald after chemotherapy.
I thought if I missed her too much, I would pretend to run into her by chance.
Now, I’d better not.
I can’t say it’s not good-looking, but my face is too pale, without a trace of blood.
Not like a living person.
I’m afraid to scare her.
December 5
Today is Su Nan’s birthday.
I sneaked out of the hospital, wearing a hat and mask, and went to the pet market to pick out a puppy with big, expressive eyes for her.
Su Nan loves animals, especially dogs, but because I’m allergic to dog hair, we never had one.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m immune to pain, but when I petted the puppy’s head, fine red spots immediately appeared on my wrist, yet I felt nothing.
I placed the puppy at the doorstep, rang the bell, and hid.
When the footsteps approached, I almost immediately held my breath–
I hadn’t seen Su Nan for a long, long time.
When she saw the puppy, her delighted expression almost overflowed, and the next moment, she touched her abdomen with some disappointment.
…Abdomen?
Su Nan seemed to be calling Zhao Jing, “Yes, I don’t know whose abandoned puppy it is. Keep it at your place for now, until the baby is born…”
I stared blankly at Su Nan’s slightly protruding belly.
It seemed to be about four months along.
Something seemed to explode in my mind.
For so many years, I never dared to imagine Su Nan being pregnant again.
Tears fell in large drops, and I desperately covered my mouth, suppressing the urge to cough violently.
After the immense joy, came an overwhelming sense of helplessness and confusion.
Why does it have to be now?
December 6
When the doctor took my temperature, he said I seemed much better and asked what happened.
I couldn’t help but smile, “I think I’m going to be a father.”
The doctor smiled too, putting away the tools, “Congratulations.”
December 7
Thinking about the child.
I suddenly worried about whether there would be any genetic issues.
The doctor told me that my mother’s liver cancer was caused by the hepatitis B virus, which is maternally transmitted.
Since Su Nan doesn’t have similar diseases, our child should be healthy.
I finally breathed a sigh of relief.
December 16
I told the doctor that I wanted to do what I wanted in my final days.
The doctor failed to stop me and had no choice but to respect my decision.
I moved to the building next to Su Nan’s.
She really seems to have moved on, with no trace of sadness or pain on her face, looking very peaceful, greeting acquaintances warmly, and buying a bouquet of beautiful flowers when passing by a florist.
She is truly loving life.
I don’t know why, but even though I used to be calm and restrained, I always want to cry after getting sick.
December 30
Su Nan hired a nanny to take care of her, who takes her downstairs for a walk every night.
Today, for some reason, Su Nan was alone.
She seemed tired and sat on a bench to rest.
Do pregnant women get sleepy easily? She seemed to fall asleep directly.
I walked over, but didn’t dare to take another step closer from two meters away.
Su Nan seemed to be talking in her sleep.
I couldn’t help but break the two-meter distance.
This time I heard clearly.
“Jiang Du, Jiang Du.”
I wanted to cry again.
December 31
Su Nan hasn’t forgotten me.
Emotionally, I was so excited last night that I couldn’t sleep, but rationally, I knew I had to do something.
Today is New Year’s Eve.
I wore a wig, put on makeup to make myself look normal, and then found someone to act.
“May the new year surpass the old.”
I used that WeChat account to send her a screenshot of my Weibo content.
“He seems to have a new girlfriend again.”
“It seems he loves neither of us; he loves only himself.”
“Perhaps we should both look forward, right?”
Su Nan didn’t reply.
I apologized to her in my heart.
I’m sorry, my love.
January 1
It’s now three in the morning.
I can’t sleep.
I plan to finish writing this last entry and then burn it.
I don’t really know what to write.
It’s still snowing outside, and Su Nan has a prenatal check-up this afternoon. For some reason, I’m suddenly a bit worried, so I think I’ll follow her to check it out.
The due date seems to be in June.
I probably won’t make it until then.
If it’s a daughter, she’ll definitely look like her.
Probably with almond eyes, thick eyelashes, fair skin, a very cute appearance.
If it’s a son, I hope he looks like her too.
In any case…
Don’t look like me, don’t let her have any association with me in the future.
Forget it.
Whether it’s a daughter or a son.
As long as they’re safe and healthy, that’s all that matters.
