To Love a Ruined Man - Chapter 18

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“Stop rubbing it, or you’ll break the skin.”

I nudged Xie Yun to make him let go.

Xie Yun lowered his head and kissed the back of my hand.

Today, all the managers from the Broker Gang came to settle accounts.

One of the newly promoted managers, young and full of spirit, admired me greatly and carefully shook my hand.

That, of course, triggered Xie Yun’s jealousy.

Before that manager left, he fell flat on his face at the door.

I saw Uncle Chen standing quietly to the side, flicking a pebble with practiced subtlety.

I’d heard Uncle Chen was an Imperial Guard Expert, who had been by Xie Yun’s side for many years.

After being married to Xie Yun for so long, I’ve gradually come to understand a few things.

Even if I hadn’t gone to the capital to ransom Xie Yun back then, he would have made it safely to Qingzhou.

The disaster at the Southern Garrison Prince’s Mansion was just something he used to restore his identity as Crown Grandson-a move made at the right moment.

Xie Yun, that rascal, has a shrewd, perceptive mind.

Alas, most of that cleverness is reserved for me.

Xie Yun said nothing, just silently held me tight.

Outside, the sunlight was perfect, warming everything gently.

I wrapped my arms around Xie Yun’s neck and kissed him.

Uncle Chen saw this and quietly closed the door as he left.

“Don’t hurt people without reason. Don’t deal with those around me without asking me first. And don’t keep getting jealous in silence.”

Xie Yun still didn’t speak, only kept kissing me.

The room wasn’t cold, but he still held me tightly.

Our clothes fell to the floor, and his biting was a bit too rough.

I wouldn’t let him continue, so I pounced on him, hooking my legs around his waist.

Xie Yun finally spoke, his eyes burning with desire as he looked at me and said, “Then you have to promise me: always look at me first, always think of me first. When I’m with others, look at me first. If you have to choose, think of me first. Don’t let anyone touch even a strand of your hair, and don’t rush out with a knife in the middle of the night just because you hear Old Qin call you, leaving me alone in an empty bedroom.”

My head buzzed as I listened, and I managed to reply, “Well… I’ll try my best. Next time I go out to fight, even if it’s the middle of the night, I’ll take you with me, okay? Besides! I always look at you first-after all, you’re so good-looking.”

Xie Yun made a noncommittal sound, and I couldn’t tell if he really heard me.

We stayed locked in the room all night, and only then did Xie Yun’s mood gradually improve.

Early the next morning, I left the city with Xie Yun.

My mother was taking Zhao Mingyue and Zhao Jingcheng back to the Northwest.

Last year, Grandfather passed away, and the Anning Marquis Mansion’s title was taken away by the Emperor, leaving them with nowhere to live.

Before he died, Grandfather wished to return to his roots, so my mother was ordered to go back and build a memorial tomb for him.

My mother wore plain clothes, and before leaving, she asked me, “Zhao Yunshu, do you really hate me?”

I only said, “I’ll return to the Northwest at the end of the year to visit Father’s grave. See you then.”

Zhao Mingyue and Zhao Jingcheng didn’t speak to me, but they looked at me for a long time.

Maybe they wanted to say something, but in the end, they didn’t.

Their carriage slowly rolled away, raising clouds of dust.

The three of them always ask if I hate them, if I resent them-it’s really rather pointless.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter anymore.

“Xie Yun, in truth, life isn’t filled with so many earth-shattering events, nor with any unforgettable emotions.”
When I was a child, I was ignorant and could not speak. My mother disliked me, thinking I was a fool, and refused to raise me.

My father and grandfather brought me up. I never felt miserable for lacking a mother’s love.

My father didn’t die a hero’s death, wrapped in horsehide on the battlefield. Instead, he died quietly at the hands of a group of Desert Bandits.

As for my grandfather, he didn’t achieve any immortal feats either-he just had good luck and managed to get himself a title.

As for me, my abilities are limited. I never thought about rebelling; I just wanted to make sure my people had enough to eat.

You say I’m a salted fish, and I can’t deny it.

On the way back, I chatted idly with Xie Yun.

Xie Yun held my hand and asked, “Did you dress so sloppily and carelessly before because you were bullied?”

I thought for a moment and said, “After I turned twelve, I grew taller and started to look more like a girl. The Big Boss tricked me into his room, intending to humiliate me. I killed him. Later, as I became more attractive, I was afraid I couldn’t keep my subordinates in line, so I dressed rougher.”

Xie Yun was silent for a long time before he said, “You once said the Big Boss treated you very well, like a second father.”

“Mm, when I was useful, he was good to me. But that didn’t stop him from wanting to hurt me, nor did it stop me from killing him,” I replied.

During those years when I became an outlaw, before I could even protect myself, I suffered a lot.

Back then, I didn’t have the strength to think about those who abandoned me.

Because just surviving was already hard enough.

My greatest wish every day was simply to eat my fill with Old Qin and stay alive.

Later, my biggest wish was for my Broker Army to have enough to eat and survive.

Love and hate, grudges and passions-all were too far from me. When you’re hungry, you don’t have time to think about those things.

But now, things are different.

I can eat my fill every day, and so can my people.

I have time to talk about love with Xie Yun.

I share my precious life experience with Xie Yun.

The most important thing in life is to let yourself off the hook.

Let go a little, then let go a little more.

If you really can’t let go, then pick up your knife and draw your bow-go fight.

If you lose, just keep living sneakily.

Even if someone makes you kneel and call them father, you have to be clever and call their woman mother too.

I’ve done that many times.

Sometimes, I’m glad I haven’t read too many books.

With less sense of propriety, justice, honor, and shame, it doesn’t feel so bad to kneel.

I survived only because every night before I slept, I repeated to myself a hundred times:

Tell yourself to let go a little, then let go a little more.

After hearing this, Xie Yun commented, “This is the first time I’ve heard someone describe muddling through life in such a fresh and unconventional way.”

I sighed, “Hey, hey, hey, this is precious experience I gained in a bandit’s den, after being beaten bloody and locked in a cellar for three days and nights, surviving on earthworms and muddy water. How can you call it muddling through?”

‘Who beat you? Why were you beaten? When did it happen? Where were you hurt?’

Xie Yun fired off a string of questions.

He paused, then asked, “Does it still hurt?”

I smiled, “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

-The End-