Chapter 17

Even those we resent have their pitiable sides.

Over the years, Mom has truly worked herself to the bone. Her hair has turned much whiter.

The cuffs of her clothes are frayed, and the pocket of her coat has come off.

That patch is noticeably darker than the rest.

Dad’s back has grown hunched as well.

To save money, he switched from Ruan Baisha cigarettes to Xiangsi Niao.

This feeling is really hard to bear.

You know they’re not good to you, you know they’re biased.

But you also know their hardships, you witness their difficulties.

You want to love them, but they always end up hurting you.

You want to leave them, but they hold you back with just a little bit of love.

After the division into arts and sciences classes, the coursework became even more intense.

Fortunately, both Xiaoan and I got into the key science class and became deskmates.

Once, I was chatting with Shasha online. She said: [I’ve received all the books you sent me.]

[Xiaoxia, is it really not too late for me to start working hard now?]

[Of course it’s not too late.] I was thrilled. [You’re so smart, you’ll definitely be fine.]

[Shasha, you can get into university on your own, you can become a college student by yourself.]

[By the way, I can get a part-time job in the cafeteria. Not only do they provide meals, but they also pay a hundred yuan. If you keep your money, you can enroll in a tutoring class.]

As a result, Shasha scolded me soundly.

[You’re not the smartest to begin with, and you still want to get distracted with other things?]

[You won’t get rich earning that little bit of money, and if I give you an extra hundred or two, I won’t go bankrupt.]

[If you dare to get a part-time job, I’ll stop being friends with you.]

…

In fact, later on, Mom kept her promise and gave me two hundred yuan a month for living expenses.

At that time, meat dishes in the cafeteria cost one and a half to two yuan, and vegetable dishes cost one yuan.

Plus, every now and then, I’d bring some pickles from home.

Two hundred yuan was tight, but it was enough.

Aside from eating and studying, there were still many small moments of warmth and kindness in life.

There were lots of mosquitoes in summer, and it was cold in winter.

The five-watt bulb at the entrance to the girls’ restroom was dim, and the smell was strong.

I don’t know when it started.

The light bulb in the corridor outside our dorm, which had been broken for a long time and never fixed, suddenly started working again.

It was a high-wattage bulb, so reading under it didn’t strain the eyes at all.

Outside our dorm building was a small path.

Every night at eleven, a grandma would push her cart selling sweet glutinous rice cakes and stinky tofu home.

She would always insist on giving me a bowl.

“Didn’t sell out-this stuff can’t be kept overnight. It’d be a waste to throw it away.

“I use only clean, good ingredients. Don’t worry, girl, eat up.

“You should study hard, but also take care of your health!”

She almost never sold out each night.

My roommates were great, too.

They’d trade their chicken or beef bits for my pickles.

They’d say pickles whet the appetite, and eating too much meat makes you fat.

Whenever there was a scholarship or financial aid at school, our homeroom teacher, Old Liu, was always the first to think of me.

If I learned anything besides academics in those three years of high school,

I think it was learning to face adversity calmly and to accept kindness with composure.

Don’t feel inferior because of poverty, and don’t be overly sensitive when others care about you.

Accept others’ goodwill with gratitude.

Someday, when you have the chance, you can pay that kindness forward.

It doesn’t have to be to the person who once helped you; it can be to someone else in need.

I know I’m ordinary.

Even though, with Xiaoan’s help, I found a study method that suited me, I was never the clever or quick-witted one.

I never performed beyond my usual level in exams.

But I made plenty of mistakes.

I couldn’t have a sudden flash of inspiration and solve the last big math problem.

I couldn’t memorize a whole page of English words in a flash.

I couldn’t always infer by analogy.

I would still make the same mistakes on similar problems.

But I could feel myself like a tumbleweed in the desert, soaking in the ocean of knowledge.

Bit by bit, inch by inch, I was coming back to life.

I could feel my life filling with a growing, weighty strength.

Because I am ordinary, I have to work even harder.

Only then do I have a chance to move up.

Three years felt so long.

But three years also flew by.

There were still so many math formulas I hadn’t mastered.

So many classical Chinese texts I hadn’t memorized well enough.

So many English model essays I hadn’t had time to read.

So many physics, chemistry, and biology test papers I hadn’t finished.

But the Gaokao waits for no one.

It comes rolling in.