Before Dawn, I Loved You - Chapter 14

Jiang Du had liver cancer, I always knew.

When you love someone wholeheartedly, you can keenly sense even the slightest changes in their every move, let alone when they are ill.

When Jiang Du, who rarely caught colds, started coughing frequently in the bathroom, and when he began taking “vitamins” often, I felt something was amiss.

But before I could investigate, Chen Yao sent me a WeChat request, telling me she was pregnant.

Every screenshot she sent me was real; I checked them against Jiang Du’s phone.

But she probably didn’t expect me to verify the pregnancy test report–

The name of the examining physician was positioned too high; it should have been at the lower end.

The pregnancy test report was fake.

On our anniversary, I unexpectedly came down with a fever and was hospitalized. I secretly took one of Jiang Du’s usual “vitamins” to the doctor–

Sorafenib, used for treating advanced liver cancer.

What was I feeling at that moment?

My skin and blood were steaming with heat from the high fever, yet my heart felt as cold as if sealed in an ice cave, with ice shards seeping from the crevices of my bones.

Jiang Du wasn’t cheating.

But he was dying.

Initially, I couldn’t understand why Jiang Du didn’t tell me, why he had someone act it out.

I was quite angry.

So when I went to “catch him in the act,” I impulsively proposed divorce.

But I didn’t really want a divorce.

Until that night, when Jiang Du moved out, I curled up on the sofa, listening to the ticking of the clock, watching him pack up his belongings bit by bit. Due to pregnancy fatigue, I accidentally fell asleep.

In a daze, I seemed to feel my body being lifted, then sinking into a soft bed.

Actually, I woke up as soon as I touched the bed, but I didn’t open my eyes.

Something wet seemed to fall on my face.

I heard his choking voice, “Without me, you must live well.”

Live well.

Suddenly, I understood the reason behind his actions.

My heart felt as if it was being harshly squeezed by a hand, aching painfully.

I asked myself, if he died, would I go to any lengths to find him?

The answer I gave myself was, yes.

But he hoped I would live well.

Later, I thought about it from another perspective and helplessly realized that I might do the same thing as him.

It turns out, all questions related to love are unsolvable.

To put him at ease, we divorced.

After the divorce, Chen Yao’s WeChat account seemed to have been given to him, not hard to guess, because “Chen Yao” was too concerned about me.

I’m not someone who likes to post on social media, but to give him a chance to chat with me privately, I started posting some overly sentimental texts that even I found cheesy.

I restrained myself from chatting with him, afraid that I might accidentally type his name.

But I couldn’t resist teasing him a bit.

I asked him, “What’s the name of the little turtle you raised?”

He probably didn’t know he had a habit; in middle school, he helped me copy the physicist “Gai-Lussac’s” law over three hundred times, so now when naming things, he liked to start with “Gaizhang.”

He casually made up a name: “Gaizhang.”

Later, on my birthday, he gave me a puppy.

The puppy was clumsy, but very cute, just like him.

I named it Gaizhang.

It was probably that day he found out I was pregnant.

After he left, I went to the place where he had been hiding and found some dried water stains on the ground.

I stood there dazed for a long time.

He seemed to have become very prone to crying.

Later, he moved to the building next to mine.

I often had the nanny take me downstairs for walks, hoping to see him more often.

Even a secret glance would suffice.

Soon it was New Year’s Eve, I remembered last New Year’s Eve, we watched fireworks at Disney.

At that time, he held my hand, warming it in the pocket of his coat, and whispered,

“Honey next year I’ll let you see fireworks at home.”

Lost in thought, I suddenly heard a “boom,” instinctively looked out the window, and saw fireworks exploding in the snowy night, lighting up the entire sky.

Miraculously, my heart settled down.

I thought, he had never broken a promise to me, he once said he would stay with me for a lifetime, perhaps this wouldn’t be an exception.

Then I saw the screenshot he sent me on Weibo–

“May the new year surpass the old.”

He had someone act it out again.

This time I didn’t have time to get angry.

Because he looked so pitiful.

Makeup couldn’t cover his pale complexion.

The wig didn’t suit him well either.

His figure remained upright, but he had clearly lost a lot of weight, like he had slimmed down a whole circle.

Idiot.

Fool.

I cursed while wiping my tears with my hands, but the more I wiped, the more they flowed.

I missed him so much.

Really, I missed him so much.

Epilogue

My brother was sentenced to fifteen years, his life truly ruined.

My mom came to find me several times, but I had the property management stop her; I never want to see her again in this life.

Later, Zhao Jing told me, although the doctor issued a critical condition notice that day, his dad came and transferred him to another hospital.

No one knows what happened to Jiang Du, whether he’s dead or alive.

Outside, light rain was falling, the rain slipping through the slightly open window. I lay in bed and dreamed of Jiang Du again.

In the dream, he was wearing a school uniform, very young, very healthy, freely playing on the basketball court. The noon sun shone on him, and he suddenly turned his head, smiling at me.

When I woke up, I glanced at my phone.

April 1st, April Fool’s Day, also Jiang Du’s birthday.

Suddenly, my phone buzzed, and I received an anonymous text message: “Come to the seaside, someone wants to see you one last time.”

A strong sixth sense told me this wasn’t a prank.

Gaizhang seemed to sense something, nudging my toes. He had grown quite large, and sometimes when he got playful, I couldn’t even lift him.

I put the leash on him, “Be good, Mommy’s taking you to see Daddy.”

At the seaside, the sun was just peeking over the horizon, and the waves gently lapped along the shore.

Seeing the familiar slender figure on the bench, I didn’t move forward, feeling a strange sense of trepidation as I neared home.

Gaizhang barked twice excitedly towards the front.

The person seemed to sense something and turned his head.

Our eyes met.

Jiang Du reached out his hands towards me and smiled, “Honey.”

It was as if he overlapped with the spirited and gentle boy from my dreams.

My tears fell instantly.

Jiang Du was allergic to dog hair, so I planned to tie Gaizhang to another bench nearby, but Jiang Du shook his head at me, “It’s okay.”

Gaizhang was well-behaved too, not rushing towards Jiang Du but wagging his tail incessantly.

I sat beside Jiang Du on the bench, and the atmosphere suddenly fell silent.

“His name is Gaizhang,” I spoke first, “He’s been with me these past few months.”

“A nice name,” Jiang Du tilted his head to look at me, “Who named him?”

I exhaled sharply and wiped my tears, “A big fool.”

Jiang Du raised an eyebrow.

Looking at his pale cheeks, I had thought of many things and prepared many words, but now I could only say one sentence, “Does it hurt?”

Does it hurt when stabbed with a knife? Does it hurt during chemotherapy?

Jiang Du just looked at me, suddenly pouting a bit, and softly said, “It hurts.”

Suppressing the dense pain in my heart, I looked at him with reddened eyes, “I’m sorry, the baby didn’t make it.”

“It’s not your fault,” Jiang Du’s eyes were red too, and he pulled me into his arms, “I didn’t protect you well.”

He was too thin, his bones poking me painfully, but I desperately buried my head in his chest, smelling the faint scent of disinfectant on him.

“Jiang Du, I miss you so much.”

“I do too.”

Jiang Du’s voice was a bit hoarse, “Jiang Du and Chen Yao are fake, that Weibo post is fake too, the only person I love is you.”

I gently responded with an “Mm.”

“Honey, do I look ugly now?”

I touched his face, tears streaming down again, “Very handsome.”

“Honey, why do you cry so much now?”

“No way. You’re the one who cries more.” I counted his cold fingers, “You count yourself, how many times have you secretly cried before?”

“Cried when moving, cried when signing the divorce papers, cried when you found out I was pregnant.”

“And in high school, when the class teacher suspected we were dating early and wanted to separate our seats, you seriously told the teacher it wouldn’t affect our studies and you’d help me improve my math grades. But the teacher didn’t agree, and your eyes turned red.”

“And at the graduation party, I sang an English song to confess to you, and your eyes turned red too.”

I recalled one thing after another, feeling Jiang Du’s head slowly leaning on my shoulder, his fingers seemed to stiffen a lot, and my heart felt besieged, once again bloody and raw.

“Clearly, you’re the one who cries.”

I kept sobbing, “It’s you…”

“Honey, don’t cry.”

“I’m not crying.”

“Honey, I don’t want to leave you…” His voice was growing weaker.

“Then never leave me.”

“I don’t want to die…”

I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak.

“I don’t want to die,” his voice was light, yet filled with deep unwillingness.

“I want to travel with you, go to concerts, do extreme sports, do… many things you want to do.”

“Gaizhang, take care of Mommy.”

Gaizhang barked, as if mourning, yet also like a promise.

“Honey, sing me one last song.”

“What… do you want to hear…”

“The one you sang when you confessed to me.”

I held his hand, interlocking our fingers.

The sun had risen, the deep sea revealed its clarity, sunlight spilling over Jiang Du’s profile, as if he were asleep.

“You are not alone For I am here with you

I will always be by your side

Though we’re far apart

No matter the ends of the earth

You’re always in my heart

You are in my heart

But you are not alone

You won’t be alone

For I am here with you

I will always be by your side”

……

Jiang Du, don’t be afraid, I won’t let you be alone.

(The end)