Sunshine Filled with Thoughts

Qing had once seen An Jinmo and Linlin together, and from that moment on, she found herself captivated by An Jinmo’s charm. Although she often went out to eat with Linlin and Na Xuan, she yearned to have just one meal with An Jinmo, even if it was just to watch him from afar. Just a glimpse of his polite smile would be enough for her. However, at that time, Linlin was in a passionate romance with Na Xuan, leaving Qing to watch from the sidelines.

It wasn’t until her opportunity came along that she realized An Jinmo might never know he had been set up and unknowingly consumed an aphrodisiac, only to find himself with her afterward. Just once, to be close to him like that, felt like it would be enough for her, even if it meant facing dire consequences.

Qing would always remember that day when she went to work at the villa in the suburbs after school. She took on the job to earn her living expenses and was struggling to keep up with the heavy academic pressure and exam preparations.

On that rare Sunday, after finishing her chores, she planned to read for a while in the study. The countless books were so tempting that she couldn’t help but pause and lose track of time.

Little did Qing know that the stunning villa belonged to An Jinmo. She had been cleaning it for over a month without ever seeing anyone come by. That afternoon, exhausted from reading, she fell asleep, only to awaken to the sound of heavy breathing coming from the study. When she walked out, she found An Jinmo there. The feelings she experienced in that moment were indescribable.

When Qing laid eyes on An Jinmo, she felt a rush of shyness, excitement, and a surge of emotion that left her frozen, unsure of how to react.

She stood there for what felt like forever, noticing that An Jinmo was gazing at her with hazy eyes, yet he seemed oblivious to her presence.

When she got closer, she realized something was seriously wrong. Although his eyes were half-closed, he appeared to be in distress, especially with the flush on his face and the way he was tugging at his shirt. He seemed to…

As those unhealthy images flashed in her mind, Qing’s face turned beet red, even her ears burned with embarrassment.

The scenes she had once read about in novels now unfolded before her in real life. What was she supposed to do? She rushed to the adjoining bathroom and wet a towel, then placed it on An Jinmo’s forehead. But he swatted the towel away and immediately grabbed her arm. Before she could react, he pulled her into his embrace.

When An Jinmo emerged, there was no trace of Qing left behind. He laughed to himself, wondering if he had tried to evoke any guilt in her this way. It was truly absurd; in this world, everything was consensual. If it weren’t for her willingly coming to him, An Jinmo doubted he could have summoned her from some other corner of the world to his room like magic.

Then, a long time passed-specifically, after Linlin had given birth-and no one knew where Qing had gone. That winter, Qing felt utterly despondent.

She had taken contraceptive pills, yet still became pregnant. At that time, she was filled with fear and the desire to terminate the pregnancy, but her heart wouldn’t allow it. Yet, how would she manage to live in society if she brought this child into the world? Her family was already struggling financially, and returning home pregnant out of wedlock would only bring shame to her parents.

Thus, Qing’s heart was in turmoil. This turmoil continued until she was nearly six months along. It was winter, and she wore increasingly thick clothing. Her roommates and classmates thought she had simply gained weight, unaware of the situation. But one day, while walking on the snow-covered streets, she suddenly slipped. Perhaps fate operates in such a vague, cyclical manner, bringing her right back to where it all began.

Kind strangers helped take her to the hospital, but the child could not be saved. From the very beginning, the baby hadn’t received proper nutrition. Qing had spent long hours in the school’s computer lab preparing for her final paper, exposing herself to harmful radiation. When she learned she had lost the baby, her emotions became exceptionally complicated. During her time in the hospital, no one at school knew what had happened. Luckily, she hadn’t brought her phone, so no one came to visit.

It was hard for Qing to put that feeling into words-being alone in the hospital without a single visitor, even trying to get a good night’s sleep was impossible in the noisy ward. Tears flowed continuously as she replayed the unforgettable moment with An Jinmo in her mind.

A week passed. She had spent all of her tuition money for the next semester on hospital bills and had no more funds for her medical expenses. Quietly, she gathered her belongings, wrapped herself in her coat, and left the hospital. By then, winter break was approaching. After calling her homeroom teacher to request leave, she began to wander around the city.

She didn’t want to go home and had no idea where to go. She wanted to continue her studies, but she felt too ashamed to ask her family for more money now that she had already burdened them. After wandering around the job market for a long time, An Jinmo had his assistant find a nanny, and coincidentally, Qing fit the profile and was taken away.

That day, Qing had no idea that her fate would collide with An Jinmo’s once again. Had she known that her final outcome would be even more tragic than the first, she would have done everything to avoid becoming such a sorrowful supporting character. After sifting through many candidates, An Jinmo’s assistant spotted Qing, standing somewhat dazed as she looked at the bustling crowd. This girl had a pale complexion that gave her an aura of innocence, as if she were both untouched by the world yet had also suffered a great deal. Intrigued by her demeanor, he decided to bring her to meet An Jinmo.

At first sight, An Jinmo was taken aback by the youthfulness of the girl, who was similar in age to Linlin. Seeing someone so young engaging in this kind of work made him scrutinize her with a furrowed brow, causing his assistant to break into a sweat. After checking further, he learned that she was there because she had lost her baby at four or five months into her pregnancy.

An Jinmo was already on edge about Linlin’s premature birth, and seeing such a woman softened his heart a little. He stepped forward and asked, “What’s your name?”

Qing kept her head down, staring at her shoes. She had a strong disdain for wealthy families hiring nannies, and if it weren’t for the tuition fees, she wouldn’t have considered taking such a job.

However, his simple question pierced her heart like a sword. This man was the father of the child she had just lost, though he remained completely unaware that he had a child at all.

Tears streamed down Qing’s face the moment she caught sight of An Jinmo, but despite biting her lip, she couldn’t articulate a single word.

The girl before him seemed somewhat familiar, yet An Jinmo couldn’t quite place where he had seen her before.

This was the nature of men: they would shower affection upon women they could never have, loving them deeply while turning icy towards everyone else. In fact, they were often colder than ice. The world was filled with indifferent men. Qing was truly unfortunate; such a kind-hearted girl deserved someone who would cherish and care for her, yet An Jinmo was clearly not that person.

The atmosphere between the two was peculiar enough that the assistant noticed it.

After recalling a great deal without success, An Jinmo abandoned his thoughts and said in a softer tone, “Yanyan may need your help for some time. He’s very weak and needs breast milk.”

“He’s your child?” Qing asked, her voice trembling.

“Yes, he’s my child. He was just recently born.” Perhaps he longed for a child like the little angel he had with Linlin, but the memory of Linlin’s cold eyes clouded his thoughts. In that instant, An Jinmo’s eyes were filled with a myriad of complex emotions.

Qing couldn’t understand.

Hearing that he had a child brought sharp pain to her heart. What would happen if she told him that she had just lost her own child, one that was barely five months along? Would he hand her some money and look down at her, saying, “Take what you want and leave”?

Desiring to avoid such hurtful images, Linlin glanced at An Jinmo and smiled, asking, “Where’s the child’s mother?”

Perhaps this struck a nerve with An Jinmo. He fell silent, his gaze darkening.

Without further explanation, he said, “Just do your job well. You won’t be lacking in pay.”

With that, he walked away.

His retreating figure was a portrait of despair for her. But people are often like that; in moments of hopelessness, they yearn for a glimmer of hope. For Qing, re-entering An Jinmo’s life seemed like a possibility. She wondered if the woman who bore An Jinmo’s child had already passed away. Now that she was taking care of that child, could she also find a way into his heart in the future?