Sunshine Filled with Thoughts

I don’t know how long I’ve been in this place. It feels as if time vanishes like sunlight disappearing on the horizon, impossible to grasp or hold onto. I have no idea what I’ve been doing for the past two years, living here like a zombie, pushing my child and my husband out of my life to reminisce about someone who died a long, long time ago. I don’t know if what I’ve done is right, but I genuinely feel that I’m starting to step away from the human experience. Now, in this luxurious villa, I’ve lost not just my freedom, but many precious things. For love, I’ve been wallowing here for two years, and now I want to make up for it. I just don’t know if I can.

It’s been two years since An Jinmo first asked me if I intended to never forgive him in this lifetime and didn’t plan to have children. I said yes, but now I regret it. I always felt conflicted, living in my own world. He has come to see me almost every month, but he hasn’t come at all in the last three months. I’ve started sitting by the floor-to-ceiling window, reflecting on how I’ve treated him over the past two years. Each time he visited, I cursed him bitterly, blaming all of Na Xuan’s death on him. Every visit turned into a cursing match, filled with the worst words I could muster. I really feel terrible; when I finally quieted my mind and reevaluated everything I had done, I realized I must be the most unreasonable person in the world. I have become deeply flawed.

The last time An Jinmo came to see me was three months ago. I still vividly remember him dressed in an exquisite, handcrafted suit, looking like the most distinguished nobleman. He has always had that kind of charm, especially in front of outsiders. I watched the gentleness in his eyes slowly fade away, replaced by a sense of detachment. It left my heart feeling cold. Would he never treat me as he once did? Would I never have another chance?

Then I would be completely discarded from his life.

Tears began to slowly seep from my eyes, and I felt like the world’s most pitiful clown. In the end, I hurt everyone, but I feel the most remorse toward Yanyan. From the moment he was born, I haven’t fulfilled a single duty as a mother. I only gave him life but disregarded him in those moments when he cried out for attention. I am no different from those cold-hearted, selfish mothers.

Bitterness began to spread in my mouth. It traveled down my throat, into my stomach, my heart, and deep into the core of my being.

I hugged my arms, curling up in the chair. The scenery in front of me began to blur, becoming indistinct. A faintly cold spring breeze flowed through the open window, much like my heart was plummeting.

I couldn’t tell how I fell asleep. All I know is that I dreamed many dreams that night. In each of my dreams, there was Yanyan’s face. I had never seen what he would look like as he grew up, but in my heart, his grown-up appearance had already taken shape in my mind. His eyes were so beautiful and so big, filled with a watery sparkle. They must be the most enchanting eyes in the world. And his eyebrows, probably very similar to his father’s, while his skin was as fair as mine. Now that he’s two years old, can he walk? I am sure he walks very well. I have always believed that my son would be outstanding. What kind of clothes is he wearing now? Before I had him, I always imagined dressing him up like a little prince. Who is taking care of him now? Does he have a mother? Is he living in the same house with his father?

I created the most perfect images of these things in my dreams, but I still woke up from a nightmare.

I dreamt that An Jinmo was no longer mine, and that Yanyan, although living well, was calling out “Mommy” to someone whose face I couldn’t discern. My heart ached, and in that instant, I woke up.

When I opened my eyes, I was still in that position. My arms felt a little numb and sore. As I looked around at the dim surroundings, I felt disoriented, unsure of where I was living. The blanket had slipped to the floor, and its intricate patterns looked so desolate in the morning moonlight. The wind continued to flutter the flowing curtains. I glanced outside at the hazy outlines, feeling a surge of fear. Suddenly, the vastness of the room felt overwhelming. It seemed as if the world was disappearing, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t retrieve it.

I kept my eyes open, watching the air as some mist began to swirl. The orchids on the balcony started to glisten with tiny droplets of dew. Everything seemed vibrant and flourishing. Not far away, the sun was slowly rising above the hills. The moment sunlight pierced through the clouds, I felt my eyes uncontrollably close. How much I wanted to see the sunrise and sunset, to reminisce about the life I lived two years ago. I couldn’t fathom how much I have lost in these two years.

Suddenly, I found myself longing to see An Jinmo and Yanyan’s life-my child and my husband. I wanted to know if they were doing well, but it seems I’ve been excluded from their lives for a long time now. I don’t even know if An Jinmo has found another mother for my child. My child calling another woman “mom” fills me with jealousy to the point of madness.

In my heart, I’ve thought about shattering everything, but now I live alone in a suburb, a place unknown even to myself, with only a few servants by my side. An Jinmo seldom visits me anymore, although he used to come often, sometimes bringing Yanyan with him. But each time, I was sharp like a hedgehog, hurting him until he was covered in metaphorical wounds before I felt at ease. Many times, I yelled at An Jinmo with tears in my eyes. Yanyan was there, frightened into crying by me. I still remember how small Yanyan was then-only a year and a half old. When he staggered towards me crying “mom,” I was utterly cold, dodging the child’s plea for his mother, then using harsh words to hurt An Jinmo, completely disregarding my child.

Back then, my hatred for An Jinmo was immense. I blamed Na Xuan’s death entirely on him, thinking my hatred would only dissolve with my death. But it’s only been two years, and now I’ve realized the truth. Initially, his ruthless tactics to win me over were because of me-I am the true culprit, the one who killed Na Xuan. If I hadn’t been in Na Xuan’s life, he would have been a successful man by now, likely with a kind and gentle wife, not me.

The pain inside me suddenly reached a breaking point. Suicide seemed like the only way to escape all of this, but before dying, I desperately wanted to see my child. Before he was born, I looked forward to and loved him so much, but everything I’ve done since his birth fills me with immense regret now.

Seeing my child has become my only goal. In the morning, everyone went about their duties as usual. After breakfast, as usual, I walked in the garden, appearing as lifeless as I had been these past two years, so few people bothered with me.

I walked to the iron gate and started sprinting towards the road outside. I felt the wind rushing past my ears. Suddenly, Yanyan’s smiling face and his chubby little hands appeared in my mind. He was looking for his mom. He was looking for me.

Desperately, I wanted to see my Yanyan. After seeing him, I would end my life. I wanted to be free from all this pain.

I ran, sprinting with all my might, feeling the wind streaming through my hair and brushing my eyes, carrying away much of my sadness and despair. My mind went blank. In that moment, the frenzied obsession transformed into a sorrowful run. I was unaware of fatigue. I couldn’t feel sadness. All I felt was that my only goal was to see my child, Yanyan.

What I failed to notice was that as I turned the corner, a speeding car suddenly appeared right in front of me. I froze for a moment, staring at the approaching vehicle. It looked so familiar. It felt like years ago, on the streets of Brisbane, when that dashing and noble man drove up in his Porsche, smiling like a blossoming lotus flower. Back then, I didn’t know to cherish those smiles.

Love always carries its wounds. At that time, I had already discovered my feelings for Na Xuan and was ready to build a life with An Jinmo. But the sudden disaster plunged me into a state of intense obsession and madness in an instant. Now, looking back, it all feels trivial. The things I did over the past two years made me appear so foolish. I lost so much, and as my consciousness began to drift away, my guilt towards Yanyan grew heavier. If there were a next life, I would make sure to give Yanyan all the love I had failed to provide before. I am his mother, but I have never fulfilled even a single day of my duties as a mom.

My body felt light, as if I were about to take flight. I wished to step outside of my own soul and see what I had done over the years. I missed my parents and my aunt. Did my actions hurt them deeply? I still hadn’t realized when I became such an inconsiderate child.

The regret in my heart consumed me in the split second before I lost consciousness.