Sunshine Filled with Thoughts

Na Xuan didn’t want his feelings to fade away unclear and unresolved. He frantically searched every place that held memories of him and Linlin, hoping to see that girl with a charming smile, wearing a knitted sweater, appear before him on some street corner. He wanted to take her hand and never let go.

Memories surged forth like a tide, churning in his heart. He longed for the girl who would leap into his arms and rest her slightly cold hands on his chest, seeking warmth from him. But suddenly, she disappeared, leaving no chance for him to hold on-this felt like the most important part of his life was abruptly taken away.

Wrapped in his overcoat, Na Xuan walked alone through the cold streets of Beijing. He watched couples pass by, tightly embracing each other, and remembered how they used to be so close some time ago.

He couldn’t help but ask himself, could he accept a pregnant Linlin?

People often harbor a certain arrogance, believing that what is theirs should always belong to them. If someone else has touched it, even if they pretend not to care, deep down, they really do.

He was grateful that his earlier actions, though they left Linlin heartbroken, were better than if they had ended up together. A boundless married life would have tortured their love, erasing all the beautiful memories they once shared in exchange for endless arguments and the suffering of an innocent child.

Na Xuan’s gloomy mood and the fact that he hadn’t gone home to visit his parents in over a month raised concerns for them. They visited Na Xuan’s apartment management to check his travel records and gather feedback from neighbors. They soon figured out that Na Xuan had developed feelings for the Zhou family’s young lady, Zhou Linlin.

The couple’s faces paled. If they remembered correctly, not long ago at a banquet at the An Family’s, the old master had subtly mentioned that there was only one potential daughter-in-law for them, and that was Zhou Linlin. It seemed their son had been seeing her for quite some time. If the old master found out about this, their family would really be in dire straits.

Na Xuan’s parents were immediately flustered. They made up an excuse and urgently called him back. They got straight to the point and had a detailed discussion with him about Linlin.

“What’s going on between you and that Zhou Lin?” Na Xuan’s mother asked in a somewhat shrill tone. Her heavily powdered face had some of the fine dust falling off as she spoke, noticeably landing on her black fur coat. This woman, originally from a lower-middle-class background, had only gained her current status through her husband’s success, yet among many so-called noble ladies, she was often a subject of ridicule due to her poor taste.

Na Xuan frowned, watching his mother’s lips move rapidly, unable to comprehend what she was saying. His mind felt blank. He wanted to speak but found himself unable to open his mouth. His heart was already in turmoil…

Suddenly, Na Xuan stood up. Ignoring the shocked looks from his parents, he walked straight back to his room. The war at home had fully erupted when he decided not to listen to his parents. Although they repeatedly begged him not to go out, they couldn’t stop him. During arguments, Na Xuan would often lash out, revealing details about what had happened with Qianqian.

Every time he brought her up, their faces drained of color. The guilt they felt over Qianqian prevented them from looking directly into their son’s eyes. Because in his gaze, they saw something that reminded them of Qianqian-innocence and trust that haunted them night after night with dreams of her asking why? Why?

Na Xuan continued to wander through places filled with memories of Linlin, hoping to run into her at a corner. But even if he did, what would happen next?

He didn’t know. When his thoughts became chaotic, he lost sight of what he should do.

Time swiftly passed, and another month and a half went by. One morning, after waking up, Linlin felt a scratchy discomfort in her throat. As soon as she got out of bed, she felt nauseous and rushed to the bathroom. She gagged over the toilet for a long time without throwing up anything. Thankfully, the room was well soundproofed-if her parents found out, it would be terrible. Even if she didn’t care about her own reputation, her parents did. They had maintained a decent image in society for years, and if word got out that their daughter was pregnant out of wedlock, it would drive them to despair.

Linlin sat on the ground, one hand pressed against her still numb stomach and the other covering her face. She had no idea how long she had been sitting there; it wasn’t until her legs had lost all feeling that she slowly stood up. The thoughts swirling in her chest were overwhelming. All the voices in her mind were urging her to marry An Jinmo. It seemed like the best outcome-one that would make her parents happy, please the old master, and satisfy Momo. This would be the best conclusion for all those who loved her. But what about Na Xuan? The one who held the most precious place in her heart. What would happen to him? Even though they had already broken up, how could so many years of feelings just vanish?

She quickly washed up, threw on a coat, and left the house. It was still early; Beijing’s morning air was misty. The suburbs felt fresh, and she instinctively took a few deep breaths. Linlin walked toward the road, one foot in front of the other, not knowing how long she had been walking. Suddenly, a taxi pulled up beside her.

“Miss, are you headed into the city? It’s still quite a distance from here!” The driver was a friendly-looking middle-aged man.

“Um… yes, I need to go to the city,” Linlin replied, momentarily taken aback, suddenly realizing that she shouldn’t overexert herself. She got into the taxi. Inside, it was warm, filled with a faint scent that she couldn’t identify.

The driver appeared to be in his forties or fifties. He smiled at Linlin and said, “You must not be from around here. I rarely come to this area; people living here usually have cars and drivers…”

“Yes, I’m not from here,” Linlin admitted. This statement caught the driver off guard. After a moment of contemplation, the middle-aged man thought perhaps he had unintentionally sounded condescending toward her. He quickly clarified, “I didn’t mean it like that! I just meant you look delicate and beautiful-definitely a young lady from a wealthy family…”

The man’s honest demeanor made Linlin chuckle.

She didn’t mean to prolong the conversation about their social standing, so she quickly asked, “Why are you driving so early?”

“Early? It’s already nine o’clock! Some of my coworkers drive all day long!” he replied.

“That sounds tough…”

“Well, for us uneducated folks, making a living is really hard. One of my relatives started working right after middle school. He has no education and works on construction sites; it’s much worse than my situation. At least I’m sheltered from the wind and rain in this job. He doesn’t have a single season where he can be comfortable… Sigh, with the prices in Beijing so high, I really don’t know how us common folks are supposed to get by.”

The middle-aged man noticed someone was listening and began rambling on.

Although Linlin was hearing him, her mind and gaze drifted back in time, to many years ago when she was in a passionate romance with Na Xuan. Memories played in her mind, looping endlessly.

The driver talked a lot, focused on the road, his mouth never stopping. Most of what he said was a complaint about the current world’s wealth inequality, and his words were fervent, even tinged with a sense of resentment toward the rich.

Linlin recalled that the address the driver had taken her to was her school, a place she hadn’t visited in a long time. Now, with finals approaching, her classmates were busy preparing for exams while she was on the verge of becoming a mother. Sometimes, fate felt incredibly ironic. Fortunately, she hadn’t run into any familiar classmates, and Linlin quickly hailed another taxi. This time, she accidentally mentioned a place where she and Na Xuan had once watched a play together.

The memory surfaced of that cold winter when Na Xuan had held her close while watching an elderly man with graying hair sing an old opera that was so rich in history. She had been utterly entranced.

When she arrived at that location, it still looked the same, but Beijing had undergone significant changes in the last year or two. Tall buildings loomed around her, and countless strangers wandered the streets. Linlin walked to the spot where she and Na Xuan had sat, reminiscing about certain people and moments.

Suddenly, she felt a warm body approach from behind her; perhaps it was the courage that came with motherhood, but she instinctively protected her stomach. She turned to run a few steps away.

As she turned to see who it was, she was unexpectedly enveloped in a tight embrace. She stopped struggling-how could such a familiar hug evoke a sense of danger? His embrace had always been the warmest, and it still was. Linlin felt Na Xuan’s rapid breath against her neck.

They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other as if they were trying to stretch out the moment, stealing a bit more time together.

Eventually, Na Xuan loosened his grip and turned Linlin to face him. Perhaps it was just her imagination, but the girl in front of him had changed entirely; the youthful vitality she had two months ago seemed completely absent. What she had undergone in such a short time, the maturity he never wished to see in her, was now all too evident.

Unable to help herself, Linlin closed her eyes, trying to conceal the pain in her heart. After a long moment, Na Xuan finally looked back at her. He gazed into her eyes, hoping to see the spark that had once ignited their love, but all he found was emptiness.

The only thing reflected in her shimmering eyes was a stillness that seemed like it would never ripple again.

“Tell me why. Tell me who that man is,” he eventually bit out, his voice strained.

Linlin remained silent, shaking her head. She then looked directly at Na Xuan and said, “What we had is in the past; we can’t go back. You can’t accept that someone else is raising my child, and you can’t accept me either. There’s nothing left between us…”

“I don’t care! How do you know I care? I don’t care!” Na Xuan shouted, gripping her arms tightly. “Linlin, don’t keep that child. We can go abroad; we don’t have to care about anyone else. We can start over there!”

“I can’t… I can’t abandon him…” Linlin shook her head, her eyes filled with fear as she looked into Na Xuan’s. She pulled away from his grasp and took a step back.

“Why! Is it because of that man?” Na Xuan’s eyes reddened, his frustration boiling over as he longed to keep her by his side forever. Sometimes, love can drive a person to madness. Na Xuan was naturally gentle, but the intensity of love can easily cloud one’s judgment.

“I can’t lose this child. I’ve already decided to marry him, Na Xuan, I’m so sorry! I’m really sorry! It’s my fault-I’m the one who’s let you down!”

Tears spilled down Linlin’s cheeks, her sobbing stirring deep sympathy.

“…You’re getting married? Is it because your parents are forcing you?” Na Xuan’s tone softened as he spoke.

“No… My parents don’t know I’m pregnant. I’m going to marry him. Na Xuan, forget about me. You deserve someone better. I don’t deserve you like this…”

“Is there really no chance at all?”

“…”

Linlin shook her head again, turning away to hide her tears. She didn’t want Na Xuan to see her in such a state.

After a long silence, she noticed he hadn’t moved behind her. When she turned around, she saw Na Xuan’s car quickly driving away in the distance.

Softly, she whispered to the emptiness, “I’m sorry…”