Sunshine Filled with Thoughts

Linlin had been in the bathroom for a long time. She took out all the bottles and jars that Momo had stored in the cabinet and laid them out on the bathroom floor, running the shower and filling the bathtub with water. After throwing her clothes onto the floor, she stood in front of the huge mirror and saw the marks of shame on her body, steam rising in the bathroom. Linlin couldn’t see her own face, but she could still find a blurry reflection of herself on the fogged glass. A sense of despair enveloped this poor girl. She felt like a floating weed swaying in the storm, unable to find solid ground. Her love still lingered in her heart, but her resolve had been battered and torn.

Slowly, Linlin stepped under the showerhead. The hot water poured down on her body. It drenched her in an instant.

An Jinmo stood by the floor-to-ceiling window of his high-rise, gazing at the bustling streets and alleys of Beijing, watching the busy people coming and going, and the distant rolling hills far away. He had been there for a long time, and standing behind him was An Jingcheng, the company’s vice president as well as An Jinmo’s best friend and relative. He watched his brother’s desolate figure. He held important documents that required his signature, but now was really not a good time to disturb him.

An Jinmo stood there for a long while, An Jingcheng kept him company, long enough for the air in the room to grow stagnant, suspended between them.

Eventually feeling uneasy, An Jinmo turned around, wanting to put on his coat and head to Momo’s place. No matter how much she hated him, he had to see her. If he didn’t go, he would regret it for a lifetime.

After spotting An Jingcheng, before An Jingcheng could hand over the documents, An Jinmo said, “I have something very important to attend to. You can handle the company matters on your own.”

Without waiting for a response, he turned and left. An Jingcheng opened his mouth in surprise, unable to react. A wave of emotions washed over him as he recalled what his father had once said: If you want that wild child to steal our company, then you better be prepared to be An Jinmo’s lackey! I truly don’t understand how I ended up with a son like you!

Sometimes, loyalty and filial piety can’t coexist. An Jingcheng wished so much to follow his heart and do what he wanted. But for now, it was okay; at least he got along well with his brother.

An Jinmo drove for less than an hour and arrived at Momo’s home in the suburbs. As soon as he entered the living room, he saw Momo and Zhaozhao sitting silently on the couch, the room filled with a low air pressure that made it hard to breathe. The atmosphere was so tense that any attempt to break the silence would feel awkward.

Linlin slowly walked down the stairs in Momo’s thick winter pajamas. She had spent three full hours in the bathroom, soaking in the bathtub for over an hour. Her skin was now wrinkled and red, looking downright terrible. Just as she stepped out of the bathroom, an abnormal flush appeared on her face; it was as if her earlier color had suddenly vanished, leaving her looking pale like a blank sheet of paper.

An Jinmo felt a tightness in his throat. He wanted to say something-words he had prepared while standing by the floor-to-ceiling window-but upon seeing the deep resentment and despair in Linlin’s eyes, he couldn’t utter a single one.

If she were to hit herself or curse herself, she wouldn’t even retaliate; she just wished she could feel even a little better. Remembering the foolish things he had said to her that morning made him want to slap himself.

“Are… are you okay?” After a long pause, An Jinmo managed to speak those words. It was rare for this usually self-assured man to feel so nervous, as if he were facing the most difficult problem in the world.

Linlin’s lips trembled. She wanted to talk, but no words came out. At that moment, the last person she wanted to see was this man. She hated him deeply, yet there he was, asking how she was doing. If she were okay, it would be a miracle. She couldn’t seek revenge on herself; all she could do was swallow her anger. She felt helpless. Did he really have to be here to parade his achievements in front of everyone?

After struggling for a long time, Linlin said nothing. She stood there motionless, staring at An Jinmo as if he were the most unrelated person in the world.

Momo rushed upstairs and asked with concern, “How are you? Why were you in the bathroom for so long? You haven’t eaten anything since this morning; come downstairs and eat something…”

Momo looked at Linlin’s swollen red eyes, filled with despair, and felt a sharp pain in her heart. Softening her tone, Momo reached into the pocket of Linlin’s pajamas and took out whatever she had hidden there, holding it in her own palm. But when she saw the pale, swollen hand marked with signs of friction, she couldn’t hold back her tears any longer. Was the pain inside Linlin really so great that it drove her to hurt herself so brutally?

As Momo held Linlin’s hand, An Jinmo noticed the marks on her skin and the bruises that were carelessly exposed on her neck. He instinctively took a few steps back, the pain in his heart intensifying unbearably. Feeling somewhat flustered, he turned and walked away.

A voice in his mind kept repeating that he had almost completely lost Linlin now; she hated him deeply and would never forgive him.

Once An Jinmo left, Linlin felt slightly relieved. The tension in her body eased considerably. She felt a bit weak and unconsciously leaned against Momo, who quickly wrapped her arms tightly around her.

Momo helped her down to the sofa, where Linlin served herself some warm porridge from the pot and spooned it into Momo’s mouth, feeding her bit by bit. But after just a small bowl, Linlin could no longer swallow.

Momo wanted to urge her to eat a little more, but Linlin shook her head, biting her lip as if she was trying hard to suppress something. Before Momo could ask what was wrong, Linlin suddenly stood up and rushed to the bathroom downstairs, where she began to vomit loudly.

Momo rushed over and knelt beside her, worry etched all over her face. She felt as though Linlin was pushing herself to the brink!

“Please!! Linlin!! Don’t do this to yourself! What am I supposed to do? How can I help you?!” Momo’s piercing cries made Linlin lift her head weakly, responding softly.

“I don’t even know what’s happening to me, but don’t worry, Momo. I just feel a little unwell; I’ll be fine soon.” Her voice sounded weak and carried a light, airy quality.

Tears streamed down Momo’s face as she watched Linlin, her heart aching beyond words.

After rinsing her mouth, Linlin went to rest. Momo had initially planned to take Linlin to the hospital, but Linlin weakly said to her, “If we go to the hospital, my parents will find out. I don’t want to make them worry at all right now. I’ve already hurt them so many times; I want to be a good daughter, Momo. I don’t have the strength to call my mom. Please, can you call her and tell her I’m staying at your place for a few days? Just keep it secret for as long as you can-preferably forever…”

Momo grasped Linlin’s hand and nodded, then she drew the curtains, covered Linlin with a blanket, and turned on the humidifier in the corner of the room. After a moment of quiet, Momo quietly slipped out, and not long after, Linlin fell asleep.

After Momo stepped outside, she went straight downstairs. In a corner of the garden, she found An Jinmo smoking. His face was concealed by the darkness of the night, making it difficult to read the expressions on his face or in his eyes.

The only thing visible was the bright, flickering ember of his cigarette in the dark. Momo walked over and stood beside An Jinmo. She followed his gaze to a small pond, a place that Linlin and Momo had loved as children. The pond still held the lotus flowers they had planted years ago and some water hyacinths. The little fish that had once been tiny had grown strong and robust over the years, just like them.

Suddenly, An Jinmo spoke up, “Will she ever forgive me?”

This felt like the most uncertain statement he had ever made. He turned to look at Momo and added, “I’m sorry…”

“You don’t need to apologize to me; you should say that to Linlin,” Momo replied. “If you truly care about her, then maybe you should step back from her life for a while. If I’m guessing correctly, you’ve already started trying to break them apart. I know you’re determined to have what you want, and honestly, I never thought much of Na Xuan either. If you manage to break them up, then so be it. But your methods are far too extreme…”

“I understand. If anything comes up, just call me. I’ll be there anytime,” An Jinmo said before turning to walk away.

As Momo watched him go, she couldn’t help but question for the first time whether he was truly the right person for Linlin.